I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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