Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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