How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
