My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
