I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize