He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
