Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
