He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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