I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
