I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
