walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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