Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sry I called you an 8
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
