Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
