My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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