I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
