I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
