yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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