I could have mohawked her pubes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
