I wish my penis had an off switch
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
