It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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