just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When did angry sex become our thing?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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