Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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