why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
