Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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