I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
