too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize