I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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