And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
