I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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