He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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