I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
