Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize