His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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