Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
