Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
