I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
