I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
