And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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