Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
