A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
