How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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