How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize