So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
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