omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
