If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
