I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Randomize
