I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm getting married
To pizza
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
