3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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