I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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