U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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