well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
