just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
