I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
