So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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