My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
