highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
