I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize