I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
