so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
