this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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