i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
